To Forgive Sounds Good But….

Posted on August 29, 2008

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To forgive sounds good but I am not sure I could…these words are playing in my ears right now. The Dixie Chicks song, Not Ready To Make Nice is a song that speaks volumes about my situation. I was sexually abused from 6 y/o to 9/10 y/o. He started by exposing himself, the first time I recall my brother was in the bathtub and I suppose my youngest brother was in his crib or my mom was picking him up at daycare. Exposing himself progressed to his touching my genitals to him performing oral sex. This usually always happened when my brothers were in bed and my mom was out of the house. The abuse always happened under the guise of my staying up late to watch television. He also would come into my room. Always after his deed he swore me to secrecy by telling me “this is our little secret.” I hated that secret but who was I to tell?  Who would believe me? So, I stayed silent out of fear and guilt. The molestation ended, but as I entered into those awkward teen years he would periodically brush up against me or attempt to grab my breast. At this time I was older and although I was silent I knew what he was doing was wrong and would push him away. I recall a time when we went camping, I guess I was 12-13 y/o and at night in the tent, even though we all had individual sleeping bags, he groped me. I asked my mom to sleep next to me, I don’t recall why she wouldn’t, and regardless she didn’t. It didn’t dawn on me to ask to move to my aunt and uncles tent. I wish I had, the secret would’ve been out sooner.

It wasn’t until I was 17-18 y/o that I told my mom what her husband did. When I did that was a hard day. He got in my face and pushed me up against the hallway wall and w/ anger in his voice asked me why I told. I called out for my mom and she made him stop. That was the only action she took, ever! She told me years after I told her that she had intended to leave him when my youngest brother graduated HS. But b/4 that happened she attended a women’s conference where she said she felt God told her to forgive him. Taking this to mean stay in the marriage she did. To this day she is still married to the man that stole my innocence and childhood. I asked her once why she was choosing to stay (b/4 the conference) she said she wasn’t choosing my younger brother over me. This statement confuses the hell out of me. I mean if it’s not choosing one over the other then what is?

Although the act of the abuse has ended years ago the aftermath is still ever present in my thoughts. I am still haunted by the images of what he did in my mind. I have good days where all seems great, and then I have bad days. It’s those days that it’s the worst. All it takes to trigger a bad day is for me to catch whiff of a familiar scent that reminds me, or a creeping thought that brings it to the forefront of my mind.

As if this wasn’t enough I don’t have a relationship at all w/ my biological dad. He and mom divorced when I was 5/6 y/o. Ten yrs ago I tried to reconnect w/ him but he rejected me. I wish I could have a relationship w/ him. I miss not having a connection to my dad. I have fond memories of him and I know that he loved me.

Betrayed by my mom and abandoned/rejected by my dad. I can see why I was abused. I was a vulnerable.

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Posted in: Childhood