Fitting In

Posted on May 6, 2007


As I write this I am on the verge of tears.  All my life I have wanted to fit in whether that be in Church or at school.  As a young girl church should’ve been a refuge yet it was a place of contention for me.  I went because my family went yet I felt nothing and still don’t.  At school I couldn’t connect with anyone, I was the shy girl nobody wanted to associate with because they didn’t get me.  Back then I accepted my place as  being the odd one out.  Now as I an adult as I reflect on my past life I understand.  I was isolated not by my doing but by the cultivated manipulation of the one who perpatrated the abuse on me.  He made me feel worthless by what he did to me and now as I try to make sense of my past and am comfortable enough to share with others what happened, I am finding that some people just want to leave it unspoken.  (My mom included!)  I can’t do that, I feel like it needs to be spoken and yet I am still having trouble  finding  my voice.  As I am trying to find my voice I have used the internet to connect with people of my past.  I started out wanting to catch up and to find out what their lives were like.  Also, there is a piece of me that wants to re-connect with those people so that they will finally know.  But as I write this  I ask myself what will I accomplish other then people finally knowing my secret?  I am realizing some will comment out of pity and some will shut down completely and not reply at all.  The pity responses will anger me because the sincerity I long for is not there and the non-responsive people will anger me because their lack of response will show me that after all this time they are still are freightened by the one they don’t get. I want so badly to put away the past that I am still hanging onto for dear life. I am scared to let go because that sad pathetic identity is all I have. I don’t know who I would be by putting it all away. One would think it would be fun forging ahead to finding their true self yet I am terrified.